New Creationists

The New Creationists Mission Statement

It is the objective of us, the New Creationists, to undermine not simply evolutionary theory, but science as a whole. It is this form of inquiry which has caused the greatest damage to our version of events. It must be destroyed at all costs.

The primary method for attaining our goal is Reaching a Middle Ground. This means that we are to seek, purely in the eye of the layman public, a position which appears on the surface to be a reasonable compromise. To be sure, we want to tell the world we embrace evolution. We also want to tell the world we embrace a Creator.

We want to hide Our Creator in the nearly impossible to understand gaps of reality. Quantum mechanics will often be our realm, but much more can work. As stated, our goal is Reaching a Middle Ground with the layman public. We need not answer to scientists. Indeed, they are the enemy. What we are to do is wrench the very fruits of these enemies from their empirical hands. We are to show gaps in the understanding of the cell. We are to discuss unknowns in molecular biology. We are to contort the flaws of physics, cosmology, and astronomy to assist our goals. It is in these places that Our Creator resides. If it’s science, it is imperfect. We shall exploit, even invent, imperfections. All is justified in our goal. Science deserves nothing but lip service; It is the enemy.

Our first step is to put forth an army of Christian scientists. They will not be the supporters of fringe creationism. They shall not espouse views which deny any modern science. However, they shall put atop all modern science a sense of confusion and remote possibility. That remote possibility shall be where Our Creator resides.

Our goals at this point will rely upon American idiosyncrasies. Tired of divisive politics, Americans seek a Middle Ground. They crave a sense of wishy-washy – it sounds fair. We shall marginalize the New Atheists with paint brushes of extremism. While they fully embrace science and all its evils, we shall embrace it only superficially – we shall not fall into the evil of the enemy. We shall appeal to the American sense of fair play. We are the New Creationists.

8 Responses

  1. Embracing this statement would require creationists to honor the commandment that condemns false witness. Since bearing false witness is the best argument creationists have, I just can’t see them suddenly becoming this honest (in the amusingly paradoxical sense of owning up to their dishonesty).

    Amen.

  2. […] is an entirely fictional manifesto, but it could be the game plan for a lot of rather devious pro-religion people right now — I […]

  3. “However, they shall pure (sic) atop all modern science a sense of confusion and remote possibility”
    I hope that’s a typo! I’m trying to figure out what it should be. Perhaps “pour”?
    Typo aside, it would explain much.

  4. Actually, I think this is a brief summary of the Wedge Document.

  5. Rick B,

    That was some sort of typo. I’m not sure exactly what I originally intended, but something to the effect of “put” seems appropriate.

    gfish,

    It’s the new version of the Wedge Document.

  6. […] New Creationists is a blog piece with a fictional manifesto reflecting some very real myths held by New atheists. Some quotes and commentary: The primary method for attaining our goal is Reaching a Middle Ground. This means that we are to seek, purely in the eye of the layman public, a position which appears on the surface to be a reasonable compromise. To be sure, we want to tell the world we embrace evolution. We also want to tell the world we embrace a Creator. […]

  7. Is this supposed to be a critique of IDists/creationists, or people like Ken Miller who are their biggest, best informed, most effective critics?

  8. People like Ken Miller, Karl Giberson, and Francis Collins were first and foremost in my mind.

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