A summary of your state

I’ve done a bit of traveling in my day, including around a majority of the United States. I’m also in-tune with what’s going on in the news and in politics. As a result I might argue that I feel qualified to give my impressions of various states. But no. No, instead I will argue that, rather than as a result of my travel and informed perspective, I am qualified to give my impressions based upon the fact that this is my blog. So here we go.

Alabama: I made the mistake of going to a McDonald’s here. The employees had the most unbearable accents, the manager was missing a majority of what should have been his visible teeth, and the orders were being messed up more than usual. Other than that, though, Alabama has a lot to offer. For instance, it’s tremendously humid and uncomfortable in the summer.

Alaska: I admit I’ve been mildly entertained by the National Geographic show Alaska State Troopers, but I see no reason why anyone would want to live here. It’s constantly cold and produced the likes of Sarah Palin. Other than that, it’s basically the deep south of the far north.

Arizona: Racist, racist, racist, racist, racist, racist. Hot. Racist, racist, racist.

Arkansas: I haven’t been here, but I have been to Alabama. I see no need to visit.

California: Here’s a state with an identity crisis. Half the time they’re passing liberal spending bills, but then they’re contradicting their efforts with attempts at conservative economics. Also, LA seems like one of the worst places in the country.

Colorado: Of the top 4 states in which I would live, this is number 4. It has 300 days of sun, skiing, and it’s turning into a quality blue state. That said, I’ve been to a town here called Center. It had stereotypical mariachi music blaring from beat-up cars that were being worked on in front yards while all the townspeople of Hispanic descent – which was the vast majority – watched me with great suspicion as I used their laundry mat while being white. To top things off, a small chihuahua was running loose around town. If it didn’t really happen, I would say it was racist.

Connecticut: I’m not sure why we keep Connecticut in New England. Even if I get past that stupid “c” in the middle of the state’s name – and I won’t – there’s still the fact that it seems to wish it was New York. Also, it has a bunch of Yankees fans, and that’s just a whole load of dumb.

Delaware: It’s the one that’s not Maryland, I guess.

Florida: Here’s a state with three things: old people, Disney World, and Miami. Unless related to the old people, why would anyone want to be a part of that environment? I don’t even get why old people hang out with old people. I bet Disney World is okay. And Miami seems like a city looking to rival the terribleness of LA. Its shallow nightlife might be fun for a night or two, but so is Vegas. That doesn’t mean it makes sense to live there.

Georgia: I have friends who live here, so let me tread carefully: Georgia is a crap hole! Actually, I imagine it has nice willow trees. And I think some Kennedy got married off a pleasant little island off its coast. So it has that.

Hawaii: Why wouldn’t I just go to Puerto Rico or the U.S. Virgin islands where I don’t have to spend unbelievable sums of money to go to a tropical beach? Also, they need to get different words for “hello” and “goodbye”. They aren’t Eskimos and they don’t have dozens of versions of snow. Also, that thing about Eskimos and their words for snow is a myth.

Idaho: Potatoes. Sorry, Idaho.

Illinois: Let me fix things for this state: I-L-L-I-N-O-Y. Much better.

Indiana: So, wait. This isn’t Illinoy?

Iowa: Corn. Sorry, Iowa.

Kansas: You guys should really check out some science books. I mean. At least try one.

Kentucky: I’m not afraid to make a different version of the same joke four times: This isn’t Tennessee?

Louisiana: Holy balls, what horrendous summers. Mosquitoes, humidity, swamps, southerners, southerners’ accents…it goes on and on. But, hey, you look like a boot, so that’s neat.

Maine: Excellent state. Lobsters, L.L.Bean, rugged coastline, and all that. I really see nothing to criticize here, so let’s move along.

Maryland: Crabs, funny shape, not Delaware.

Massachusetts: Other than for its sports teams and historical significance for early America, I see little appeal. Of course, there is always the fun of driving around Boston, a city routinely ranked as the worst for doing so. Weird that Massachusetts drivers, aka Massholes, would be known as dicks when they get behind the wheel.

Michigan: Detroit. Sorry, Michigan.

Minnesota: In 6th grade my class had to do something involving the U.S. map where our peers would give us a grade of 1-10, which would be bonus points on one thing or another. It was meant as a semi-fun project, so when I got to Minnesota, I made a reference to the show Happy Days. As my classmate looked over my work, I realized I was one state off: the show took place in Wisconsin. Even though I’m the one who recognized the mistake, he still only gave me a 6 out of 10. And that’s Minnesota.

Mississippi: Lulz.

Missouri: Arch.

Montana: If there ever comes a time when I want to live somewhere but I don’t want to do things, this is where I’ll go.

Nebraska: I hear Omaha has a lot of call centers because people from there supposedly have the least noticeable accents in the country. Now you know.

Nevada: You know that excuse about the heat where people say, “But it’s a dry heat!” That’s bullshit. Dry or not, 107 degrees is awful. But they have gambling and breasts and moral decay and all those good things.

New Hampshire: It has the best mountains in New England, but it voted for Bush in 2000. I have my eye on you.

New Jersey: High population density, pollution, limited green space, and high cost of living. And these are its good points.

New Mexico: Technically not the old Mexico.

New York: Rumor has it there is more to this state than one city, but the media have yet to confirm.

North Carolina: I have an interest in this state solely because it’s the location of this year’s Blog Cabin, a show watched by me and, I surmise, a handful of middle-aged women spread around the country. Also, I confuse this state with Virginia more than I confuse it with South Carolina.

North Dakota: Fargo.

Ohio: Best known for its vowels, Ohio is the proud owner of Columbus, one of the least appealing cities I’ve ever visited. I recommend more homeless shelters, but then who am I to observe a major problem and one obvious part of its solution?

Oklahoma: Otherwise known as Northern Texas, this is the only state that had all its counties go red for McCain in 2008. In other news, I frequently see it featured in the show Gangland.

Oregon: I do believe I need to first have an opinion on a place before I can say what I think of it.

Pennsylvania: I could mention the state’s rich coal history, or how integral it was to the steel industry (though Pittsburgh has no steel mills left today), or I could explore its long and interesting history with the Amish, a unique group notable for its hard-working way of life. Instead, I will point out the obvious: It has shitty sports fans. Seriously, you guys are dicks.

Rhode Island: Family Guy. Well done.

South Carolina: After spending some time as the laughing-stock of the nation over its tumultuous political happenings, South Carolina has turned the corner back to simply being ignored.

South Dakota: Of the terrible middle belt of rectangular-ish states, this is the only one I felt worthy of my tires meeting its roads. I mean, relatively. If skipping it was an option, I may have done that. Going east to west, it’s just a whole lot of nothing, nothing, nothing, Mount Rushmore, and done.

Tennessee: I don’t care how many times I’ve made the joke: This isn’t Kentucky?

Texas: I don’t have a problem messing with a big, dumb state led by a series of dumb guys doing dumb things with dumb legislatures and dumb boards of education and dumb, dumb, dumb. Also, Houston was built on a swamp, so that was dumb.

Utah: Sadly, the magnet industry has fallen on hard times here thanks to what officials describe as “mass hysteria and confusion”.

Vermont: Now here’s another excellent state. I’ve been shitting on most of the country, but I’m breaking that theme here. Vermont is amongst my top places to live, and I hope to at least visit it once this year. Also, it’s upside-down New Hampshire.

Virginia: Who hasn’t accidentally said “vagina” with this one? Interestingly, I frequently make the same mistake with Minnesota.

Washington: Though gloomy, I imagine I might enjoy Seattle. And my favorite band came from this area, so there’s that. Unfortunately, I can’t get behind this state until it changes its name. Because, come on. Who isn’t tired of specifying if they mean the city or the state?

West Virginia: The Appalachian Mountains start getting called Appalachia around here for some reason. Also, coal, fat people, and inbreeding.

Wisconsin: Non-unionized cheese and Happy Days. Less notably, Lavern & Shirley.

Wyoming: South Montana.

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7 Responses

  1. Virginia: Where the outcome of the Civil War is still a matter to be determined.

  2. Any condemnation of Texas, however well deserved, should include a special exemption for Austin–the tiny beacon of sanity in a desert of dumb.

  3. This reads like you’ve been to, oh, maybe 11 states or so, which sort of takes away from the attempts at humor. Just another “informed perspective” for you.

  4. Sounds like someone got his feelings hurt.

  5. As a Mainer I fully agree that it’s a fantastic state. However you do indeed have one thing to complain about; Paul LePage. If you’re going to keep your eye on New Hampshire for going red in 2000, you’ll have to watch Maine for almost going red in 2010

  6. Since comments are closed on the Moritz article, I’d just like to reassure you: you did the right thing. Moritz was a quack who started out with some good ideas, but realized that bad ideas are easier to sell. It was painful to watch his fanatics shout you down at every possible opportunity. Realize that they do what they do for a reason, and the reason likely isn’t pretty. They’ve suffered, and now they pass their suffering on to you.

    As an Oregonian, I’m glad to see our streak of “least remarkable state” is still intact. We don’t have much going for us, other than the jokes about lady-parts that originate from our nickname “The Beaver State”

  7. Thanks for the input, John. And if it makes you feel better, one of UMaine’s campuses, UMF, has nicknamed its sports teams the Beavers. To their credit, they take advantage of one of its obvious references by selling buttons and shirts that say, “I love Beavers”.

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