Conservative definitions

There is a lot of political rhetoric out there; it comes from all areas of the political spectrum and it isn’t used to bolster the effectiveness of any given argument. It is the argument. That said, the biggest offenders are conservatives. Much of the rhetoric they use is meant to elicit an emotional, knee-jerk reaction: ‘If I say these words, people will make this tenuous connection to what I really mean.’ For instance, “Tea Party” is meant to evoke a righteous fight for liberty, especially from taxation without representation (forget that all these Teabaggers use public roads to drive to their rallies). But all rational people know that isn’t what it means at all. It may superficially reference the Boston Tea Party and manage to get sympathetic conservatives to emotionally connect the current ‘movement‘ to that historic moment, but down deeper it’s simply a code for Racist Republican.

But that isn’t the end of the list, not by a long shot. There is a lot more conservative code floating around out there, so I think it would be appropriate for me to try and clear some of it up right now. Here’s a list of words conservatives frequently use followed by what they really mean.

Science – Something to be rejected if it conflicts with my previously held beliefs
“The science behind global warming is doubtful…oh, and we should loosen pollution restrictions on big business.”

Tax & Spend Liberal – A Democrat with the same economic policies as Republicans
“Obama is just another tax & spend liberal…even though Bush’s last budget deficit was greater than Obama’s first.”

Atheism – Religious faith
“Atheism requires just as much faith as Christianity…nevermind that I don’t think I have faith that unicorns don’t exist.”

Religious Faith – A virtuous position
“Remember Doubting Thomas? Even though he didn’t believe until he had evidence, Jesus (inexplicably) declared that he had faith and that faith was a good thing…oh, and forget that I’ve already shit all over the idea of faith to bring you down to my level of infantile thinking; faith is good when it’s my faith. And by ‘my’, I probably mean the faith my parents told me to have.”

Patriot – A conservative
“John McCain is a patriot for serving his country…just pretend like I’m not a fundamentally dishonest hypocrite when I smear John Kerry’s record.”

Working Class – Whites
“We need to strengthen the power of the working class…and the strength of my deadbolt – I saw a minority in my neighborhood today!”

People on Welfare – Minorities
“People on welfare are just mooching off the working class…excuse me while I buy this fresh Maine lobster with my food stamps.”

Liberal Media – Anything that isn’t FOX Noise
“The liberal media is just trying to take Christine O’Donnell down because they’re afraid of change in Washington…can we just forget that she doesn’t know anything about the First Amendment? Bringing that up is liberal bias.”

Liberty – Economic greed
“The government is taking away my liberty with all these taxes…I just wish they would fix all the potholes so I have a more comfortable ride when I take my kids to public school.”

Small Business Interests – Big business interests
“It’s a small business interest to cut taxes for those making over $250,000…because businesses create jobs purely based upon lower taxes, not anything to do with demand, right? And tax cuts don’t hurt and increase the deficit, right?”

Activist Judge – A judge who made a decision with which I disagree
“I can’t stand those activist judges who ruled that anti-sodomy laws are illegal…excuse me while I poke my wife in the pooper – it’s not sodomy if it’s with a woman, right?”

Elitist – Someone who is smarter than I am
“Atheists only scored higher on that religious quiz because they’re so elitist…who knew Martin Luther started the Protestant Reformation? Wasn’t he that black guy? He was probably on welfare.”

Open-minded – Agreeing with me
“You don’t find ‘intelligent design’ convincing? You just aren’t open-minded…huh? Oh. No, I won’t bother to study evolution before I reject it. That leads to bad things.

Muslim – Terrorist
“I mean, look, Bill, I’m not a bigot. You know the kind of books I’ve written about the civil rights movement in this country. But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.”

6 Responses

  1. So true. All of it. Right wing politics is bigotry, xenophobia, misogyny, homophobia and racism packaged up to hide those real beliefs.

  2. And all of it can be flipped around to show liberals in a terrible light.

    You should have titled this: “Wishful liberal opinions about what conservatives stand for”

    I love the nonsense about people on welfare being minorities.

    I will really enjoy Tuesday night, republicans will win even though they suck. They simply suck less than the democrat in the race.

    Bob, you may be the most bigoted person I have ever had the displeasure of conversing with. How many times will you post almost that exact sentence? Do you think that given enough posts about how bigoted and “xenophobic” conservatives are that it will become true?

  3. Sorry for you Nate to have to see me home in on this for it is so painful for you to see it in yourself. I could post 100 examples of the truth of what I say, starting with the Rand Paul guy who stomped on a head, but truth and evidence is always wasted on you, Nate. Too bad I can’t show it to you by using superstition and woo and mindless faith like that disgusting Roman Catholic church you follow so blindly. Oh, yes, that other thing you hate – me pointing out the need for a parent like the church.

    Once again, I will unsubscribe from this feed so you can throw more temper tantrum – watch out thou – I might call your sky daddy on you and then you will be in so much trouble.

  4. Right on cue an example of liberal hate from a liberal bigot!

    He must be a republican plant, because liberals are always good and sweet and nice and right.

    Strange that I still haven’t thrown any tantrums. Must be projecting.

  5. Nate, I have no idea who New England Bob is, but I’m a brother in the faith. And the Catholic Church is certainly not disgusting. Keep up the good fight!

  6. I don’t really want to respond to all of them or to write a list for liberals but I do want to give a response to the last one.

    He didn’t say that he thought all Muslims were terrorists, he didn’t say that Muslims scared him. He said as you quoted that when he sees people on airplanes wearing “Muslim garb” he feels nervous. Whats wrong with that statement?

    Many people if bitten by a dog have at least an unease around dogs for a long time, if not their whole life. On 9/11 Muslim men, by anyone’s account extremists, hijacked 4 airplanes and committed further, more heinous acts with them.

    Now if those attacks were carried out by people wearing Libby Mitchell tee shirts doing it, in their own minds at least, in the name of Libby Mitchell, I might feel a little apprehensive in the future flying with people wearing Libby Mitchell tee shirts. That doesn’t mean I’d cause a scene and demand passage on a different aircraft or anything like that, but a certain amount of apprehensiveness is to be expected.

    Its not any of the “fictional” liberal “phobias” (xenophobia and homophobia come to mind) but like people who have been bitten once, they are twice shy.

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