Why I love the 2012 Republican field

I have really been enjoying the field for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination so far. Not only is it quite likely that none of the candidates will be satisfactory to the American public, but none have been satisfactory to even the Republican base. Here’s the run-down:

Michele Bachmann: This is basically Ann Coulter but with tact. She hates most good things, thinks gays can pray away their devilish sins, and she has a pretty blatant disregard for science. She got the base going for about 3 weeks at one point, but then everyone realized just how crazy she is.

Herman Cain: His 9-9-9 plan is utterly – to use the tact of a Coulter – fucking retarded. It would cost the poor more, be a windfall for the wealthy, and raise prices on everything because, despite his “apples and oranges” insistence, states aren’t suddenly going to do away with their own taxes. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but I would rather not pay 14% tax the next time I need a new shirt or nightie for Nate’s mother. Plus he harasses women and says stupid things pretty constantly.

Newt Gingrich: It looks like the former Mr. Potato Head stunt double is about to become the next Republican top-nominee fad. It won’t surprise me if this only lasts a few weeks like Bachmann, Perry, and now Cain, but Gingrich at least has an outside shot of maintaining momentum. Of course, his problem is that he sleeps around and has a number of divorces. I hear Evangelical voters don’t like that much.

Jon Huntsman, Jr.:
This is the only moderately reasonable candidate in the field. He holds some of the bad core ideas of the Republican party, but at least he isn’t the polarizing figure everyone else is. Of course, combine that fact with his Mormonism and he has no shot. Plus he knows Mandarin. Knowing the Republican base, there will likely be suspicion that he’s a communist.

Gary Johnson: Who?

Ron Paul: He puts on a good ramble, but the media hates him. I think he could actually fire up the Republican base against President Obama, but he’ll never get the nod – he’s too honest.

Rick Perry: There are three things I don’t like about Rick Perry: One, he panders to Christians. Two, he isn’t that smart. And three…well, I don’t remember the third reason. Oops.

Mitt Romney: Unless Gingrich is able to hang onto his outside shot, Romney is the guy. The base doesn’t like him mostly because he’s a Mormon, but he has been campaigning for president for 4 or 5 years now, so he at least has name recognition. Of course, he won’t be much of a competitor since he has seemingly changed his position on nearly everything over the years.

Rick Santorum: I think this is the worst candidate in the field. His complete disdain for gays is his primary position – he really froths at the mouth when he talks about them. He may be the only candidate I have actually hated. I think he would be better suited for Ugandan politics than anything.

Conclusion: Gingrich has an outside shot, but it will probably be Romney. That gives the President a pretty good shot at another 4 years. I’m not super excited about things either way, but it will certainly be better for the country than another Republican.