I am generally supportive of a lot of government activity. I’m glad it is involved in education and roads. Privatized versions of these things would lead to the upper class being wildly more educated than others while also having better transportation access than everyone else (though I am open to someone explaining how a poor family would pay for 3 kids to go to a school 20 miles away when there is no road to their rural, commercially useless home). I am glad we have police and fire forces. I think it’s a good thing that libraries have been so common for so long (though we need them less and less today – at least as physical entities). However, with all that said, there are sometimes I just hate the government. Today’s target: The Maine Bureau of Identification.
I work for a company which receives some of its funding through the state. As such, it is necessary for everyone there to cover their asses whenever anything comes up. Case in point, a criminal background check for me comes back with a Michael Hopkins attached to it. This guy, who lives a town or two over and has a similar birthday, was a punk when he was 15. He broke into a few cars and stole a couple of CD’s and a little loose change in his hometown, got caught, and now he has a record. (Why it shows up now and why a minor’s record is not sealed, I do not know.) Despite the different names and birthdays, I have been hounded to prove I am not Michael Hopkins. I mean, it makes sense, right? The onus is always on the person making the negative claim. (Stay tuned for my next post proving the non-existence of unicorns.)
So how does one go about proving he is not someone else? Why, finger prints, of course! Yes, that’s right. The only way the Maine Bureau of Identification (which is a thing I doubt should even exist) will confirm that you are who you say you are is by forcing you to give your finger prints over to them. Oh, and there’s a fee. Sure, it isn’t your fault someone cross-referenced something incorrectly. And sure, the evidence indicating you aren’t who you say you are is as good as the evidence that Jim Carrey and Drew Carey are the same person. And yes, yes, yes, the government has no rights to your finger prints. But come on! Let’s think rationally about this, innocent civilian: Go fuck yourself. Amirite?