Why Michael Bay should be shot

Or at least beaten with Donatello’s staff:

A few days ago, a 15-second video emerged online. It shows producer Michael Bay standing before an audience in a suit, discussing his plans for a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, to be directed by Jonathan Liebesman of Wrath of the Titans fame, with such a dearth of enthusiasm that you could quite easily mistake him for a printer toner spokesman at a regional office supplies conference.

In the video, Bay says: “Kids are going to believe one day that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No:

Now, hang on a minute. From an alien race? That’s not how it works. That’s not how it works at all. Everyone knows that the turtles came about because they were exposed to radioactive material as babies. They’re mutants. They’re quite definitively not aliens. They’re called the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not the Teenage Alien Race of Turtle-like Creatures Who Happen to Know Ninja.

We already have all the TMNT movies we need. And they were great. Well. In my memory they were great. I haven’t seen them since the 90’s, so I can’t distinguish one from the other, and honestly, I think I’m mixing in a few scenes from the 3 Ninjas when I look back at things. Regardless. This epic pile of feces Bay has proposed should not happen.

By the way: Michelangelo > Leonardo > Donatello > Raphael.