Why Michael Bay should be shot

Or at least beaten with Donatello’s staff:

A few days ago, a 15-second video emerged online. It shows producer Michael Bay standing before an audience in a suit, discussing his plans for a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, to be directed by Jonathan Liebesman of Wrath of the Titans fame, with such a dearth of enthusiasm that you could quite easily mistake him for a printer toner spokesman at a regional office supplies conference.

In the video, Bay says: “Kids are going to believe one day that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No:

Now, hang on a minute. From an alien race? That’s not how it works. That’s not how it works at all. Everyone knows that the turtles came about because they were exposed to radioactive material as babies. They’re mutants. They’re quite definitively not aliens. They’re called the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not the Teenage Alien Race of Turtle-like Creatures Who Happen to Know Ninja.

We already have all the TMNT movies we need. And they were great. Well. In my memory they were great. I haven’t seen them since the 90’s, so I can’t distinguish one from the other, and honestly, I think I’m mixing in a few scenes from the 3 Ninjas when I look back at things. Regardless. This epic pile of feces Bay has proposed should not happen.

By the way: Michelangelo > Leonardo > Donatello > Raphael.

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3 Responses

  1. “Making the turtles aliens would ruin everything – their desire to be accepted, their bizarre late-1980s street lingo, their fondness for pizza. Everything,” the paper argued. “Are we really meant to believe that there’s an alien race of giant turtles who just happen to all be named after renowned Renaissance artists from this planet, and speak English, and who came to Earth with a giant elderly rat who’s presumably from the same race, just to live in sewers and loudly eschew anchovies at every opportunity? Hardly, Michael Bay. Hardly.”

    And:

    “The thought of anyone – least of all a six-foot kung-fu tortoise – saying the word “cowabunga” out loud in 2012 is sphincter-obliteratingly awful.”

    ~ The Guardian

  2. Why can’t he leave my childhood the fuck alone?

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