Helping the ‘Yes on 1’ campaign

Helping the ‘Yes on 1’ campaign with its ads.

The Maine Attorney General and commissioner of Education have determined the “Yes on 1” ads asserting that legalizing gay marriage will lead to gay marriage being taught in Maine schools to be a load of … um … manure.

With that in mind, perhaps we should help the “Yes” campaign with ideas for more credible and compelling campaign strategies.

Here are my three:

* Ad 1: Scary snarling (but well-coiffed) men ripping kittens from children’s hands and biting off their heads. Soundtrack (deep male voice): “If gays are allowed to marry, they will eat your children’s pets.”

* Ad 2: Burly women in plaid shirts and work boots with short hair laughing while throwing nasty looking powders into lakes and streams. Maine forest ranger with crooked mustache appears in foreground (ranger played by female private Christian school teacher with glued-on facial hair). Soundtrack (woman trying to imitate a man): “If homosexuals are allowed to marry, lesbians will poison your water supply.”

* Ad 3: Mother and child running back and forth, frantically dodging lightning and blue-gray blocks of unknown substance. Soundtrack (pitiful child’s voice, choking back sobs): “Mommy, is the sky falling because the homosexuals are allowed to get married?”

I’m betting the actual ads in the final weeks of the “Yes” campaign will make these look tame.

Perhaps we should just vote “no” on Question 1 and send the message that spreading manure should really be an agricultural pursuit rather than a political one.

Mark Nordberg


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